I Hate Kingsmen the Secret Service

How do you kill off arguably the only likeable villain in movie history? I happen to concur with Valentine's 'nefarious' plan to rid Earth of its human scum, but maybe not as gruesomely. I prefer it done swiftly, clean and bloodless; humanely I suppose. Nevertheless, Valentine had the balls, charisma and resource to pull it off and give Earth a chance. I sincerely wanted him to succeed. But how often do villains get away with their diabolical plans in movies? Like never although it happens all the time in real life.

But because he chooses a non-conventional method of attacking a serious problem, you have him killed off, right? To hell with his deep concern for the continued existence of Earth.

I hate Kingsmen the Secret Service.

Is it a Bird, Is it a Plane? No. It's Crap and it Flies! Supergirl: A Review

Imagine this; you're an undocumented alien working a crappy job, but, you have an incredible secret that comes with untold abilities. These, however, do not include the power to slave away your life, underpaid and overworked, as the butt of racist remarks. No, you're much 'better' than that. You can fly, leap skyscrapers in a bound, are faster than a speeding bullet, impervious to puny weapons of earthly origin, etc. etc. What's more, Kal-el, aka Clark Kent aka Superman, is your cousin. Your only weakness: kryptonite. So why would your delusional parents send you to Earth? So you can cool down a blazing hot alien battle axe with your laser-shooting eyes (or is it ice) because 'it's your thing'.

DC Comic's Supergirl is a hot mess and however terrible the pilot was, at least it was a success, in that the lead character, Melissa Benoist (Glee, Whiplash), together with the supporting cast, succeeded in relaying the hot-messiness across perfectly.

The pilot episode, leaked online 6 months prior to its official release on CBS, fell apart right from the very beginning which opens with a voice-over. The voice talent, that of Melissa, just felt off; too giddy for the solemnity of the occasion. Then we see a younger Kara Zor-el whom I think was supposed to represent cool-headedness under pressure but only managed to convey a bravado so fake, I bet my inferior iPhone the Chinese could have done a better job.

From then on, you seem to be rushed through a seemingly endless sequence of platitudinous reveals, starting with Calista Flockart, only this time she's playing Cat Grant, a rich bitch who owns the Tribune. The best part? She seems to have added on an invisible pound; I guess no one would be running from Calista Flockart now. Was her appearance surprisingly refreshing? Yes. But I couldn't help but observe she acts the role like she's got a permanent itch in her vagina that she can't scratch.

In her interaction with Grant, to whom she acts as a personal assistant, another cheesy reveal is made: Supergirl cares deeply about people. People who'll be losing their jobs because Calista Mcbitch wants to lay off workers to save her sinking Tribune unless a hero comes along. How very original. Like people don't get laid off all the time and these people never get their lives back on track. But I digress; the Paper and the people can only be saved if and only if, a hero comes along. Kara, of course, considers this an affirmation to fulfil her heroic destiny.

Only she falls in love seconds later. How do we know this? Because a resident stock character, in the form of the pining poster boy for unrequited love/best friend tells her she'll say 'kapow' when she meets 'the one', who's Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy, a Pulitzer-winning photojournalist, is portrayed by Mehcad Brooks (Desperate Housewives, The Game) who also triples as stunning eye candy/diverse character in a main role. An annoying trait of Jimmy's is name-dropping Clark Kent, or referring to him in some form, in every scene he's in. 'My friend in blue', ' the big guy'? Ugh!

In exploring the events that define Kara's role as Supergirl, we find out she's insufferable, has a poor sense of fashion, is impetuous which, I must iterate, is a flaw unbecoming of any superhero. She is also a terrible judge of character (she looks to Mcbitch to save the world) and is grossly ill-informed on feminism: she believes Grant is perpetuating sexism when she brands the yet unidentified super-heroine who prevents a Malaysia airline-like disaster a 'girl' (helloo, ever heard of third wave feminism and the reclaiming of girrl?). Anyway, Grant schools her big time.

But what sucks most of all is Kara has the fighting skills of a Portuguese water dog-all cute and cuddly, no bite. Except Kara isn't endearing at all. Her sheltered adorable lost nerd routine is annoying and unfeminist. She's supposed to be super fast and super strong yet can't hold her own against an antagonist who doesn't appear to have half her abilities. Instead, her lack of preparedness and utter belief in her superior abilities, which fail her, forces her foster sister, with her extraterrestrial-fighting unit, to come to aid every frigging time.

Is it too much to ask for a bad ass Black Widow-like super-heroine who can do bad all by herself? Who doesn't have a defective moral compass set to 'sickeningly good' and is not required to appeal to nerds, animal rights and Christian groups simultaneously all the time?

I'm like come on...enough already! Do the producers not see Olivia Pope and Analise Keating! Even Taylor Swift in 'Bad Blood' was more bad ass than Kara, and I don't even like Taylor! I thought she was a 12-year old when she broke unto the music scene. 12 is the only age at which you  can get away with cheesy country songs. And she's now added pop to her list of must-kill genres before she's done rampaging planet Earth. But once again, I digress.

Pining Lover Boy is also a dick. Just because a girl doesn't like you doesn't mean she's lesbian! That's sexist and shows how insecure you really are. And yet, Kara chooses to reveal her big secret to him. Bad bad judge of character. But an upside is, he can sew! How very convenient that the IT guy whose whole life is about algorithms also knows how to cut and stitch! Or is it Kara since it was her apartment? Argh, I just don't know, grrrr.

But Kara's got a sense of decency though. How very endearing...not. Okay, maybe. But it takes four fittings, each a notable improvement over the other, before she finally settles on a 'suitable' outfit. Funny observation; although we're made to think her transformation occurred over a number of days of trial and error, Pining Lover Boy does only two wardrobe changes. Rush much? It seems the director was like, ' Hurry the fuck up! We only got 46 minutes and 13 seconds!No time for wardrobe changes!'

The biggest reveal of all, Kara's principal antagonist is her aunt! How very intriguing! No. Not really. No suspense there. Guess the producers have never heard of a delayed lead and how it draws people in and creates suspense.

Right before the closing scene, a flying Kara slows down, hovers, and her voice-over intones, 'Earth doesn't have one hero any more, now it has Supergirl'. Now imagine Courtney Love saying that, only either skunk drunk or high on heroin.

Yep. You get my disappointment now.  Supergirl falls hard aided by a weak plot and a less than stellar actress in the lead role.

5 REASONS WHY I QUIT CHRIST EMBASSY

My life was wretched; my spirit oppressed; every decision I made proved the wrong one. My family and friends had deserted me and I was seriously contemplating suicide as an exit strategy out of my money-deprived, booze-guzzling life. One day I cried unto God and a bright light filled my room, happiness filled my heart and a kingly voice boomed…sorry, kidding.

My life wasn't really wretched. I was content with it. In fact, I had been able to transcend that initial crushing guilt a life-long church goer feels after failing to attend church services the first few times. It had been over a year since I’d stepped inside a church house and I was cool with it. Then one day, I was just overwhelmed by the feeling to go to church.  However, located all around my neighbourhood were countless churches so wanting a change of scenery ( I had tired of my own church), I made a list of all the churches around with the intention of visiting all till I found the nearest perfect church.  Christ Embassy was first. I attended three Sunday services, two mid-week services, and one all-night service and promptly called it quits. Here are 5 reasons why.

1.       TOO CULT-LIKE

As an outsider, you feel all members of the church are in on a secret except you. So, wanting to feel a part of the inner circle, you join, only to find out it wasn't a secret at all; they all seem so euphoric because they literally worship Pastor Chris. I don’t know whether the intention is the fostering of unity or something but the result is like a bunch of satellites lacking independent personalities surrounding a planet.

His pastors dress like he does; in three-piece suits, and wear their hair like he does; permed hair slicked back. I'm not even going to dwell on the cultural implications of a black African man with treated hair-that’s repulsive, smacks of and perpetuates ignorance, and is insulting to my curly-haired race! What’s worse is his congregants replicate his looks! I queried a member as to why some do that. His answer? Imitation is the best form of flattery. Why would you seek to flatter a mere human who claims to be a ‘man of God’ unless you truly believe he’s your only chance at salvation?

The congregation sings its own songs so first timers are kinda left hanging, not knowing the lyrics to these songs. Plus they aren't the catchiest or best of songs so you kinda feel they’re being shoved down your throat-literally.

And then there was that day the branch pastor travelled to Canada for a conference. No sermon was delivered. During the mid-week service, a member read from the official daily devotional; the Rhapsody of Realities, verbatim. No free styling, no trying to explain nothing. If I’d known that would happen I would have just skipped the service altogether. But what I learned from this episode is that Pastor Chris likes to keep a tight ship; nothing in, nothing out. That’s like entertaining fears of an external corruption of ‘your’ message. That’s the kind of paranoia that’s so characteristic of cult leaders.

2.       TOO WORLDLY

There are the flamboyant wigs and excessive make-up appropriate for a night out but inside a place of worship? However appalling, that’s something most churches these days are culpable of. But what shocked me out of my shoes one Sunday service was the mini skirt I saw on a female member. I know for a fact that churches are where most people go to in search of spouses.

 I remember my first day at Christ Embassy; people wishing to be members are giving a form to fill, with one section inquiring what your heart’s desire is so the church can log in a prayer request for you. While I was busily filling in ‘a new laptop’, this lady beside me penned in ‘a husband’. I guess my point here is, you may want a husband, but you do not have to dress to church with ‘fuck me’ written all over you. Have some respect for God at least!

 

3.       TOO EXPENSIVE

On your first day, you are gifted a DVD of Pastor Chris’s teachings; it’ll seem as if you are paying for that DVD for the remainder of your stay there. From tithing to several offertories a service to strong encouragements to ‘seed’-that’s like a spiritual investment with money; money is the seed,’ planted’ and ‘nourished’ with faith and reaping dividends of blessings which may or may not be in the form of money depending on what the Holy Spirit deems appropriate. As you can see, it’s very much unlike the real world where the dividend on investments is money. Let me set this straight; I understand Christ Embassy didn't get to where it is without people seeding and tithing and offering and giving to sustain Pastor Chris’s media empire-which is vast. If they had complained like I did, I suppose its reach would be limited to a few national branches at best. At worst, he’d still be preaching in a run-down class room.

But for a first timer, all of this is overwhelming. Couple that with this first timer being a student living on a couple hundred cedis a month; it is crushing! Some of the giving, they claim, is voluntary but why won’t I feel pressured when everybody around me is giving? This is a tool of persuasion called ‘joining the bandwagon’ where you are influenced to follow a trend because everyone else is on board-they do this by exploiting the basic human urge to belong.

And then there was the rude awakening that the church is run like a business, its vast machinery kept humming by the goodwill of its congregants. Every service, taped recordings of Pastor Chris’s sermons are beamed to the congregation. I was excited my first time because the television telecasts are never shown in full, so I naively th

ought that this being the church, a full recording would be shown. But just when the sermon got interesting, it was rudely cut (very much like coitus interruptus) and we were informed to go purchase the full DVD at the church’s bookshop adjacent the church house.

I suppose I wouldn't be this much outraged if the church at least paid its workers regularly. Are they adopting the Church of Scientology’s method of bullying its workers out of their honest earnings, I wonder. I seriously hope not.

4.       TOO MUNDANE IN ITS TEACHINGS i.e. Related to this World, not a Spiritual One

A while back, a section of Christendom, at least on my side of the continent, were polarized concerning Pastor Chris’s views on masturbation. Go ahead, just Google it. His position on this was that the guilt associated to masturbation is but a state of mind. Meaning you can choose to stop if it’s too much to handle or you can just continue to manipulate away. God wouldn't care either ways because get this, masturbation is a sin against the body and not God? Really? How dare you purport to understand God’s ways, which are supposed mysteries? How about the mandate to treat our bodies as temples of God? So we may defile our bodies and manage to not sin against God? Masturbation is clearly fulfilling the urge to have sex and the Bible clearly states that any form of sexual immorality is a sin against God.

Then there were his views on whether a raped woman should abort a foetus should the act result in

conception. My understanding of all these is that Pastor Chris panders to certain ‘goodwill congregants’, seeking to perpetuate rather than admonishing and set them right. What would Jesus do? Surely not, ‘I can’t tell you what to do with your body’?. Murder is murder, plain and simple. More like Pastor Chris is pro choice and not pro life. And what is godlier than being pro life? Glad I bailed out before all this wahala!

5.       TOO CLINGY

When I first visited Christ Embassy, I didn't know what to expect but I did expect to be accepted into a close-nit congregation exuding love and allowing me to serve God unconditionally. May be it was the branch I visited but the sheer size turned me off of large churches completely. They had three separate services each Sunday; the Ga, English, and another service I can’t remember right now. Each had its stupendous size so you can imagine the size of the crowd waiting outside for whichever group was inside to finish up. That is how mechanical it felt. Nothing close-nit about that. 

I began to sense their clingy disposition when I was assigned to a cell; that was the end of my sanity as I knew it till I deleted my handler’s number and flagged their emails as spam. They were there to constantly remind me I hadn't completed my membership process, which ended with writing a series of exams I had to pay for! And then when I stopped attending services and cell meetings, my handler became my personal nightmare. I learnt later cell leaders are given free airtime to keep their members ‘interested’. Any-ways, they wouldn't just let me slide on out without a fight so I was compelled, during a call to inquire about the completion of my exams, to inform them I’d quit the church.

Yet, like a defective and spastic evil robot that just refuses to back down, I still get the random email now and then and I send them right to my trash bin. But they always seem to be telling me this..

CHRIST EMBASSY: SWINDLERS OR MISGUIDED DO-GOODERS

                               

                           Pastor Chris-Head Honcho; Believers' LoveWorld aka Christ Embassy

Do not walk bare-footed.

Do not share your comb with others/ do not expose your natural hair to combs when at the hair salon (like seriously).

You never remember your dreams, be honest (but I do, every detail actually)

Don’t give up, God is about to do something incredible in your life.

They don’t start with these though and by ‘they’ I'm referring to two male characters I've had the displeasure of encountering on separate occasions.

On both occasions it was after dark and I’d just gotten down from a ‘trotro’. It had been a long commute from work and I just wanted to get home and pass out on a fluffy pillow. Then, extricating himself from the shadows, this guy accosts me and I initially fight the urge to flee, but he starts talking gently.

He introduces himself in English (he can neither speak nor understand Twi because he’s from South Africa, he says) and asks if I'm a Christian.

I'm what I like to call ‘Recovering Christian’ when it’s actually Confused Christian if you strip away the ludicrous label. But being tired and foreseeing a lecture on how wretched my soul is and will remain till I'm saved, I say yes.

Then he asks if I'm aware of a Christ Embassy youth outreach programme in progress in the area. Apparently, he’s been trying to locate it for a while and yes, he’s new to the area.

Obviously, I'm not aware and he’s not aware that I haven’t stepped inside a church for over a year. We are also not aware that my religious concussion prevents me from falling prey to Christian confidence tricksters.

So I tell him I have no idea where such a thing is happening and he suggests we ask someone. Another guy just happens to be walking by and I have to do the talking because the Christ Embassy guy can’t speak the local language.

This new guy has no idea either but as a token of his appreciation, Christ Embassy guy decides to prophecy unto us-which explains the opening paragraph.

To the guy, he says, ‘your father has been bed-ridden for a while now. He’s been cursed by relatives because of land-related family issues. He’ll almost definitely die if you do not fast for him’. Then to us, he says, ‘good night and God bless you’. Then he walks away…just like that.

This other guy turns to me and says, in awed yet hushed tones, that what the Christ Embassy prophet said about his father is true and he suggests we follow him and find out more.

…

Yeah. I’d have been the dumbest dumb dumb person walking this earth had I followed him. What he’s not aware of is that I'm tired and I just want to go home…plus I have a religious concussion which makes me impervious to religious b.s.

So I tell him to follow the prophet if he wants to. I’ll just make my way home.

A year later and I've moved to a new area but still commuting . One night I get off the ‘trotro’ and I'm accosted by a male character looking for the venue of a Christ Embassy-organised programme.

I say no, I don’t know this area very well.

I'm wondering is this déjà vu because there was the introduction in English, the question of whether I'm a Christian (I hesitate because I'm only sort of confused now but I think ‘what the heck’ and say yes anyway).

Then, like a rehearsed play, a male stranger enters from right and pretends to be bummed out about the mysterious location of this programme.

Religious character starts prophesying; don’t walk bare-footed, don’t share your comb with people, etc.

Then to stranger guy he says, "your father has been bed-ridden for a while now…"

At this point, I know the script so well I'm able to predict the next act: Religious character piously exits scene and stranger guy, in awed hushed tones, clearly marvelled, turns to me and corroborates the malarkey about his almost definitely dead father, his fasting ways, and how we should follow the prophet for more information.

I’m like come on; it’s been like a year now! How much longer do I have to wait for the father to just die already!

But I say instead, ‘not interested. You can follow him if you want to’.

Thank God for my confused state.

But clearly, swindlers are soiling Christ Embassy’s ‘good name’.  Is the church aware of this? What could they possibly do to stop this?

Maybe don’t walk barefooted nor share their combs with others? Perhaps pray for a good old fashioned miracle?  That’s a good starting point.